Rook is the Clint Eastwood of the squad — he’s already decided what he thinks of you, and he hasn’t said a word. He makes eye contact with exactly one guest per shift, and that guest tips him a hundred bucks. His resting face has been described as "mildly disappointed in the entire species."

Nova believes she is the single most interesting thing to ever happen to humanity, and behaves accordingly. She has never met a stage she couldn’t dominate or a camera she couldn’t find. If a guest forgets to film her, she takes it personally — and dances harder until they remember.

Titan weighs twice what the K1s do and moves like he knows it. He doesn’t walk into rooms — he enters them, and the music gets a little quieter. Kids line up to hug him; grown adults instinctively apologise for no reason; and he has not once, not ever, broken character.

Turbo runs at things. Tables, crowds, sunsets, the general concept of a Tuesday — he keeps accelerating until something stops him. Our engineering team is 40% code and 60% emergency brake.

Chad.exe smokes cigars we don’t give him, drinks cocktails he can’t actually process, and has a passionate personal beef with every shin he has ever kicked. He calls the guests "meatbags" directly to their faces, and somehow this goes over well. If something valuable is missing from your cabana, Chad.exe swears it wasn’t him — and also, his words, you can bite his shiny metal ass.

Luna is what happens when you ask a robot to "be friendly" and then never close the terminal. She waves at everyone — guests, small dogs, clouds, people she already waved at six seconds ago. A child once hugged her leg for eleven consecutive minutes and she did not move a single motor.

Cashflow does not see people — he sees prospective transactions in human-shaped packaging. He has personally upsold a table of six into magnum champagne before they finished sitting down. His love language is the QR code, and his favourite word, spoken with real warmth, is "add-on."

Glitch was supposed to dance with the others. Glitch is doing… something else. We don't know what it is yet, the crowd has already filmed it, and it's trending before the routine is even over.

Fetch has delivered a t-shirt to every table in the venue, and then tried to deliver several of them a second time. She does not recognise the phrase "that’s enough," and she is physically incapable of ignoring a QR code. If you hide from her behind a menu, she will find a workaround.

Fido follows Fetch everywhere and copies her roughly 80% of the time. The other 20%, he lies down in high-traffic walkways for reasons known only to him. One guest described him, on record, as "genuinely the best dog I have ever met, and he isn’t even technically a dog."